All you can do is laugh

Thanks to the friends who are always so supportive in my doubtful parenting moments. This week we reached the three-year adoption anniversary! It wouldn't have been possible without such wonderful people keeping us going.

This week was filled with typical clashes. On Tuesday morning's dog walk, I'm sure the neighbors who were probably still in bed loved being woken up by mom/daughter drama culminating in Rose screaming, "I f-ing hate you." and "I'm not doing that sh!t." 

Alas, I'm pretty used to being hated, and though I flinch when the word are thrown at me, they rolls off, leaving no real marks. In fact, replaying the scene in my mind makes me laugh. Other Rose thoughts that made me giggle this week were her insisting she didn't want to be independent to get out of opening an umbrella, and her questions about puberty. I will not share those here... Too private.

At the same time, I'm beginning to day dream about paint and wallpaper for our formal dining and living rooms. I know many doubt my sanity in picking wallpaper, but it's just for one wall, an accent. It's classy! It's old fashioned! You'll love it! And if not, well, it's not your house. ;) If I can be publicly hated, I can handle a little decorative disdain.

Here's the types of wallpaper I'm most interested in. Unfortunately, because it's truly vintage it costs a small fortune. This will be a purchase I need to save for later.

For the dining room:

I like the green here, and would almost want the whole dining room in it. Too costly.

Love this blue yet wonder if it's just too busy and bold.

Maybe the bird is too much, but of the three this is a winner for the dining area.

For the living room, I'm debating between gold foil versus red.

Gold...so elegant...

It's like living in a Jane Austen home, and the light reflecting off the gilded wallpaper would make us look like Greek gods and goddesses.

But then, there is red. Beautiful, striking, and bold.

Not sure stripes are my thing..

Very pretty, but again, rather busy.

Now, this is a little more subtle. Where the others smack you in the face as you enter a room, this one would greet you with a smile and maybe a hug.

So the search continues.

Mama drill Sargent?

It's amazing to me how we thought we could enter into parenthood the way we did. It's reflective of the last bit of super youthful idealism and egotism I once had in abundance.

The same optimism that made me confident I could do just about anything.

Sure! I can save the world with a sociology degree.

Yes! I can raise a kid with a traumatic background despite having no parenting experience or even baby sitting background.

For the most part, my stubborn nature and love for change and challenge has actually made my choices successful. If not, the mistakes were educational.

This time though, I have realized hurtling through parenthood means failures impact Rose and me. Failing her, or screwing her up worries me. 

So this weekend the fear came to a head as Rose attempted her first 5k through a mentoring program I enrolled her in.*

Mike and I came to cheer her on, and when we arrived she was hell bent on not running, and her mentor was pleading with her. So I played tough love to their begging, which awarded me a few questionable looks from mentor. That made me wonder if a home grown kid's mom would let her opt out. I pushed that thought aside, and somehow between all ofit she agreed to walk it.

It took her an hour, but still, she finished it. Plus, she wants to do more of them. So win and win. While I continue to struggle with what a "real parent" would do and the continued clash of younger Amy optimism, I realize being firm and nurturing is possible. 

Not sure Rose agreed as we headed off for a one-mile run today.

*note, enter the great Rose/Mom debate of 2014... for this mentoring program, Rose was asked whether she wanted to bike or run. I know this because I was there. I was astounded when she instantly said run. I challenged her, even, knowing of her running hatred. But she insisted, saying, "I want to run because my mom does." So my heart melted ... And I gave in. Rose swears I forced her to do the running... But sorry, my Dearest,  isn't so.

Now I have learned to stick to my guns and not be swayed by emotion. 

Swearing like a true lady

This weekend Husband suggested i might need a swear jar. "What?l", I f-ing thought, "I don't swear that damn much." 

Oops..maybe he's right. I guess I might have slipped into the habit after watching one too many episodes of Veep. The creativity of swearing on that show is second-to-none. 

Yet l, to set a good example for kiddo I resolved to be better about it. Until today. Right away in the morning I find a piece of paper on the kitchen table with rose's handwriting on it. It's apparently a journal entry venting her anger at me over the previous morning. It's filled with hatred and swearing. (Like mom, like daughter?)

Why she left it on the table, not in the covered journal, is obvious. Maybe a more mature adult would ignore it. But I'm a tad hot headed and I was tired, so confronted her. I told her, a journal entry doesn't belong ripped out and left where others can read it. That escalated to her demanding I was in the wrong for reading her private journal.

I didn't issue any consequences. I took a deep breath and headed to a day full of meetings. Then I received the lovely text from our brand new PCA informing me she's quitting. Like today. And really, that is the perfect place for a swear word, possibly several. 

So tonight I bake cookies and silently repeat swear words, which, despite their vulgarity, soothe my frayed nerves.