Holy cow have Rose's behaviors regressed to a toddler-like state a lot. She longs to be held, hugged, cuddled all the time in every place. She tattles, she yells "mine", she cries when she doesn't get her way.
Now I find myself in the same quandary I did six months ago. How much of this behavior is "normal tween" and how much is a side effect of the trauma. More importantly, how do I respond to it. Especially when her behaviors fluctuate between this strange tall toddler and a pre-teen who wants to shave.
Sure, it's not a girl who is running to get a plastic bag to put over her head and for that I am grateful. I don't even know if I'm really complaining, I'm just puzzled over this new phase we've entered and how to treat it.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
So simple
For Rose's baptism, people, very generous people, gave her money. So today, while I cleaned her room, Mike took her to the Science Museum and then Target to spend some of her present.
I haven't lost it. She didn't know I was going to clean her room. It was a present, too.
Anyway, she came home with some monster barbie dolls, and accessories for her DS, and bubble wrap. Yes, a whole roll of bubble wrap, just for her to pinch and step on until her heart's content.
I love her mind.
I haven't lost it. She didn't know I was going to clean her room. It was a present, too.
Anyway, she came home with some monster barbie dolls, and accessories for her DS, and bubble wrap. Yes, a whole roll of bubble wrap, just for her to pinch and step on until her heart's content.
I love her mind.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Insecurity
I must be in a venting kind of mood--three posts in one day.
I remember once growing up my sister pointed to a lady in the grocery story and said to my mom, "she's fat." My sister was barely 2--and probably the cutest little baby I've seen with her curly blonde hair, chubby cheeks, and bright blue eyes. The grown woman heard and said to my sister, "well, you're ugly."
I remember thinking--even then as a 5-year-old--that woman needed to grow up. My sister was just a kid, and a kid shouldn't rattle your self esteem like that. Plus, she made my sister cry. No one's allowed to do that, except me. Plus, she was fat, and my sister was just being honest--not realizing she'd violated a social norm.
Here it is, years later, and karma's found a way to crush my holier-than-though mentality. From time to time, Rose manages to slip in a comment that really does bruise my ego and cause hours of self doubt.
Sunday I became the fat lady. Several of us were gathered in Grandma and Grandpa Schulte's kitchen before the baptism. Rose was commenting on how my sister was obsessed with fashion, and my mom asked what I was obsessed with. Rose said, "herself. I mean, she just throws make-up on like crazy." Temporarily stung by this assessment, I felt my breath catch. I just laughed it off, trying to hide my pain and said, "I'm lucky I get make-up on at all."
Ouch and ouch. Granted the two statements seem to contradict each other. If I'm self obsessed, I'd spend hours putting make-up on. Yet, I do take some pride in my appearance and don't think I leave the house looking like I put make-up on in the dark or with Homer Simpson's make-up gun applicator.
At the same time, both comments hit home. Even though I knew they shouldn't. The make-up one a little less so than the self obsessed one. As I often worry I am self obsessed. They always say children are just honest obesrvers of life, so was Rose picking up on something I struggle with and putting it right in front of me?
It reminded me of one time at a work happy hour a coworker said to me "they were the one who did all the work and I was the pretty face behind the computer in meetings." I tried to laugh that one off, too, but they somehow hit on one of my bigger insecurities. In my role, I do feel sometimes disconnected from the end result and question the value I bring. How'd this person know that? They didn't, and they were probably joking, but I still haven't shaken that comment, obviously.
So how do I brush off Rose's comments? The last thing I want to do is harbor resentment toward her for something she said not realizing that it touched on a nerve. Nor do I want to respond and say mean things back. Sometimes I do tell her she has hurt my feelings to make her more aware of the impact words can have on others, but in the end, I think the better thing is to toughen up a bit--choosing my battles. It's tough though, being all self obsessed and make-up challenged. :-)
I remember once growing up my sister pointed to a lady in the grocery story and said to my mom, "she's fat." My sister was barely 2--and probably the cutest little baby I've seen with her curly blonde hair, chubby cheeks, and bright blue eyes. The grown woman heard and said to my sister, "well, you're ugly."
I remember thinking--even then as a 5-year-old--that woman needed to grow up. My sister was just a kid, and a kid shouldn't rattle your self esteem like that. Plus, she made my sister cry. No one's allowed to do that, except me. Plus, she was fat, and my sister was just being honest--not realizing she'd violated a social norm.
Here it is, years later, and karma's found a way to crush my holier-than-though mentality. From time to time, Rose manages to slip in a comment that really does bruise my ego and cause hours of self doubt.
Sunday I became the fat lady. Several of us were gathered in Grandma and Grandpa Schulte's kitchen before the baptism. Rose was commenting on how my sister was obsessed with fashion, and my mom asked what I was obsessed with. Rose said, "herself. I mean, she just throws make-up on like crazy." Temporarily stung by this assessment, I felt my breath catch. I just laughed it off, trying to hide my pain and said, "I'm lucky I get make-up on at all."
Ouch and ouch. Granted the two statements seem to contradict each other. If I'm self obsessed, I'd spend hours putting make-up on. Yet, I do take some pride in my appearance and don't think I leave the house looking like I put make-up on in the dark or with Homer Simpson's make-up gun applicator.
At the same time, both comments hit home. Even though I knew they shouldn't. The make-up one a little less so than the self obsessed one. As I often worry I am self obsessed. They always say children are just honest obesrvers of life, so was Rose picking up on something I struggle with and putting it right in front of me?
It reminded me of one time at a work happy hour a coworker said to me "they were the one who did all the work and I was the pretty face behind the computer in meetings." I tried to laugh that one off, too, but they somehow hit on one of my bigger insecurities. In my role, I do feel sometimes disconnected from the end result and question the value I bring. How'd this person know that? They didn't, and they were probably joking, but I still haven't shaken that comment, obviously.
So how do I brush off Rose's comments? The last thing I want to do is harbor resentment toward her for something she said not realizing that it touched on a nerve. Nor do I want to respond and say mean things back. Sometimes I do tell her she has hurt my feelings to make her more aware of the impact words can have on others, but in the end, I think the better thing is to toughen up a bit--choosing my battles. It's tough though, being all self obsessed and make-up challenged. :-)
They call me mellow yellow
Life with Rose continues to be fairly tame (knock on wood). Her post adoption, post vacation behaviors are still void of the anxiety that once plagued her. This means less defiance and less rude or mean comments. Now, she just feels kind of like an obnoxious 10-year-old--and I say that in the most kind way possible. Oddly, the extreme defiance is being replaced by more temper tantrums and fake tears that remind me a lot of a 2-year-old's behavior.
No, it's not fun for my 10-year-old to throw a tantrum because the car windows are a quarter of the way down and she wants them rolled up completely. Still, it's easier to keep my cool--in fact, it feels like I have the upper hand and she knows it, which is what causes the tantrums. I remember from adoption training that a child regressing to younger behaviors also means they're feeling more secure and allowing themselves to become vulnerable again.
Her first few days of school were rocky, to be sure. At home she was great--at school, not so much.
I had tried to befriend her teacher last week--requesting a conference about Rose. The teacher told me she wanted to get to know her kids before parents prejudiced her judgement. I didn't want to come across as a crazy helicopter mom, so I told her I understood her approach but would love to hear from her later. I waited knowing my child wasn't just any kid. I waited for three days into the week until that same teacher emailed to ask if we could meet after all. Rose is a "special girl," she said. I felt smug for a few hours afterward.
Rose has already been sent to the principal's office twice, and she went there once to demand a new teacher. This teacher is rather strict, which I think will be the best for Rose in the long run. Right now, she's testing this teacher out, and so far, Rose is winning. We'll see.
No, it's not fun for my 10-year-old to throw a tantrum because the car windows are a quarter of the way down and she wants them rolled up completely. Still, it's easier to keep my cool--in fact, it feels like I have the upper hand and she knows it, which is what causes the tantrums. I remember from adoption training that a child regressing to younger behaviors also means they're feeling more secure and allowing themselves to become vulnerable again.
Her first few days of school were rocky, to be sure. At home she was great--at school, not so much.
I had tried to befriend her teacher last week--requesting a conference about Rose. The teacher told me she wanted to get to know her kids before parents prejudiced her judgement. I didn't want to come across as a crazy helicopter mom, so I told her I understood her approach but would love to hear from her later. I waited knowing my child wasn't just any kid. I waited for three days into the week until that same teacher emailed to ask if we could meet after all. Rose is a "special girl," she said. I felt smug for a few hours afterward.
Rose has already been sent to the principal's office twice, and she went there once to demand a new teacher. This teacher is rather strict, which I think will be the best for Rose in the long run. Right now, she's testing this teacher out, and so far, Rose is winning. We'll see.
Mentee application
I am trying to get Rose paired with a mentor who was also adopted as a child. In order to be paired, Rose had to answer three questions.
These were her answers:
In case you can't read it.
Q: Why do you want a mentor?
R: Yes
Q: Pretend you can see into the future. What will your life be like?
R: IDK [I don't know]. I don't like to talk about that type of stuff. I don't know my future, and I don't like to rush my life.
Q: Tell us about yourself.
R: No thank you.
Mike and I got a big chuckle out of these answers. My mom said I should make Rose answer the questions more politely. I agreed with her in theory, but I told her right now, we're focusing on keeping her clean and fed and doing homework. I'll worry about this later.
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