While social worker is in Germany, we are forced to put our adoption dreams on hold forcing a a thought into my head: If getting these kids into good homes was so important, why would the process have to take so long?
To be fair, I don't expect social workers to skip vacations, but it's too bad there wasn't a way for a coworker to help out in the interim.
While I wait, my anxiety over the great unknown facing us builds. I want to start building a library for my future children. I'd like to start looking at furniture but it's kind of hard when you don't know if you're looking for a crib versus a toddler bed or bunk beds. Being a planner both professionally and neurotically makes the wondering more than frustrating and when it reaches boiling point, I just take a deep breath.
Right now, there are 65 kids on the Minnesota Waiting Children List. I can't wait to meet the one or two who will be mine. In fact, several people's suggestion we consider adopting a Hatian baby has made us think. Tonight over Chinese food we discussed it, and we both agreed we feel too invested in helping a child here to consider adopting from abroad--even if abroad meant a baby.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
More paperwork?!?
Social worker visit number two - complete.
The appointement went well. Our social worker is very nice almost to a point of being motherly. The visit concentrated on the marriage inventory we took. The good news, we are very compatible. Oddly, the test found Mike might have more of a rose colored view of life than me but only by a bit.
Then the social worker interviewed me, which was nerve wracking but not too much. Throughout the meeting she started talking about how some adoptive children are never able to bond with their parents--usually due to the level of abuse they experienced or neglect encountered. That thought scared me, and it still does.
Coming to terms with not physically carrying a child or even taking care of our child in its infancy wasn't easy, but it finally happened. Yet, it feels like by giving up that privlege I'm now running the risk that my child will never truly love me. If that happens, we will deal, but I hope it doesn't. In fact, it scares me. So I push the fear from my mind and move on to the third packet of paperwork we need to complete.
Yep. In addition to FBI checks and everything else we've gone through to be parents now we have to fill out a whole ton of paperwork to be considered foster parents. Again, I completely understand why The State wants to protect these children as much as possible, but there are times when it feels we're being punished again and again for infertility. That feeling comes and goes. In reality I'm just venting and feel certain all the work will be worth it.
I don't want to leave the blog on a negative note so I'll say that in addition to filling out the paperwork, I'm excitedly finding ways to accomodate workouts when a child would be in bed. I've bookmarked the Minneapolis School District's "Finding a School" site. I have also started finding ways to shift some responsibility at work so I can dedicate myself to my family. It's all happening and decidedly so!
The appointement went well. Our social worker is very nice almost to a point of being motherly. The visit concentrated on the marriage inventory we took. The good news, we are very compatible. Oddly, the test found Mike might have more of a rose colored view of life than me but only by a bit.
Then the social worker interviewed me, which was nerve wracking but not too much. Throughout the meeting she started talking about how some adoptive children are never able to bond with their parents--usually due to the level of abuse they experienced or neglect encountered. That thought scared me, and it still does.
Coming to terms with not physically carrying a child or even taking care of our child in its infancy wasn't easy, but it finally happened. Yet, it feels like by giving up that privlege I'm now running the risk that my child will never truly love me. If that happens, we will deal, but I hope it doesn't. In fact, it scares me. So I push the fear from my mind and move on to the third packet of paperwork we need to complete.
Yep. In addition to FBI checks and everything else we've gone through to be parents now we have to fill out a whole ton of paperwork to be considered foster parents. Again, I completely understand why The State wants to protect these children as much as possible, but there are times when it feels we're being punished again and again for infertility. That feeling comes and goes. In reality I'm just venting and feel certain all the work will be worth it.
I don't want to leave the blog on a negative note so I'll say that in addition to filling out the paperwork, I'm excitedly finding ways to accomodate workouts when a child would be in bed. I've bookmarked the Minneapolis School District's "Finding a School" site. I have also started finding ways to shift some responsibility at work so I can dedicate myself to my family. It's all happening and decidedly so!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Remember when life was simple?
On Thursday, Amy's mom took a nasty fall on some ice at her apartment resulting in a fractured fibula. The x-ray isn't Mom's, but it's pretty close.
For the next week, Mom can't use her right leg so she's camping out at our place unless her nicotine cravings get the best of her, and we have to find an alternate arrangement. Her going home alone is nearly impossible since she has to use a walker to get to and from, which makes carrying even simple things like glasses of water impossible.
This blog isn't dedicated to mom and her broken leg though. Instead, it's a quick commentary on us dawning on how life's relative simplicity is ending as we become parents. I believe our struggle is probably more common of adoptive parents, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
We were supposed to go to California Friday the 15th for Amy cousin's wedding. Amy's Mom, Aunts, and Uncles were all going to head down. Now, however, Friday will be dedicated to Mom's appointment at Tria, where they will decide if she needs surgery. (Side note about Tria - they have the coolest autographed posters of athletes they've helped over the years including Michael Jordan. I know that alone shouldn't impress us, but it impressed Amy.)
The trip is cancelled but Mike and Amy are now trying to figure out what to do with the two airline tickets. Options are take a loss or schedule another trip within the year. No big deal, right? Maybe spring break with the Twins? Not so fast. We might be parents of two by then. Of course, we might not. Our lives are very much on hold and exteremly complicated until we know who we're adopting and when.
Not that we're complaining. It's just an interesteting realization and one way in which life is already changing.
Tomorrow we have the follow-up appointment with our social worker.
-Amy
For the next week, Mom can't use her right leg so she's camping out at our place unless her nicotine cravings get the best of her, and we have to find an alternate arrangement. Her going home alone is nearly impossible since she has to use a walker to get to and from, which makes carrying even simple things like glasses of water impossible.
This blog isn't dedicated to mom and her broken leg though. Instead, it's a quick commentary on us dawning on how life's relative simplicity is ending as we become parents. I believe our struggle is probably more common of adoptive parents, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
We were supposed to go to California Friday the 15th for Amy cousin's wedding. Amy's Mom, Aunts, and Uncles were all going to head down. Now, however, Friday will be dedicated to Mom's appointment at Tria, where they will decide if she needs surgery. (Side note about Tria - they have the coolest autographed posters of athletes they've helped over the years including Michael Jordan. I know that alone shouldn't impress us, but it impressed Amy.)
The trip is cancelled but Mike and Amy are now trying to figure out what to do with the two airline tickets. Options are take a loss or schedule another trip within the year. No big deal, right? Maybe spring break with the Twins? Not so fast. We might be parents of two by then. Of course, we might not. Our lives are very much on hold and exteremly complicated until we know who we're adopting and when.
Not that we're complaining. It's just an interesteting realization and one way in which life is already changing.
Tomorrow we have the follow-up appointment with our social worker.
-Amy
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Mike's Gall Bladder Scars
This post is specifically from Mike:
Today I had a rather odd thought surrounding a post-adoption event that will certainly arise. Basically, the child asks about the scars on my abdomen that are due to my gall bladder surgery. It's bound to happen at some point going swimming or something. Immediately, I thought I would answer: "Those are from a knife fight. I was in a gang back in the day. That's why I don't want you to get involved in a gang." Of course, I probably would never actually imply that they were from any such thing and give the boring answer that they were from a surgery I had, but I think it was a bit of an odd thought to cross my mind.
Mike
Today I had a rather odd thought surrounding a post-adoption event that will certainly arise. Basically, the child asks about the scars on my abdomen that are due to my gall bladder surgery. It's bound to happen at some point going swimming or something. Immediately, I thought I would answer: "Those are from a knife fight. I was in a gang back in the day. That's why I don't want you to get involved in a gang." Of course, I probably would never actually imply that they were from any such thing and give the boring answer that they were from a surgery I had, but I think it was a bit of an odd thought to cross my mind.
Mike
Friday, January 1, 2010
Perfect on Paper
Our first meeting with the social worker went well. To avoid using real names, I will call her Suzie. Suzie's a woman in her early '60s with a soft voice and powdery white hair. She seems a little distracted, or disractable but competant, which seems perfectly in-step with my state of my mind most days.
Suzie asked a few basic questions about why we wanted to adopt children from the Waiting Children's List. I had to stifle my first sarcastic comment, which would have been: "for the free kids and free labor." Sarcasm probably wouldn't be appreciated. Mid-way through we completed the marriage inventory.
For those of you married in the Catholic church, you may have taken one of these tests. It is basically supposed to show any significant differences in opinion between spouses or show if there are any abuse issues. We each take the same quiz, in separate rooms. Hopefully we passed, although, I'm not too concerned. There was one question I am sure Mike and I will tease eachother with for a while: "I am afraid to be affectionate because my spouse will make me have sexual relations."
At the beginning of the session, Suzie mentioned that we a were perfect couple on paper, so the inventory and home study that would follow were just to ensure we were just as good in real life. The scrutiny makes sense since it is in place to protect the children yet I can't help but feel slightly resentful of the irony present in each step of this adoption process. Mike and I could have given birth to our own children and not had our parental integrity questioned once--even if it should have been.
We will meet Suzie again on January 11th to review the results of the inventory, so keep your fingers crossed. Hopefully, we'll prove to be as good in real life as in our application.
Suzie asked a few basic questions about why we wanted to adopt children from the Waiting Children's List. I had to stifle my first sarcastic comment, which would have been: "for the free kids and free labor." Sarcasm probably wouldn't be appreciated. Mid-way through we completed the marriage inventory.
For those of you married in the Catholic church, you may have taken one of these tests. It is basically supposed to show any significant differences in opinion between spouses or show if there are any abuse issues. We each take the same quiz, in separate rooms. Hopefully we passed, although, I'm not too concerned. There was one question I am sure Mike and I will tease eachother with for a while: "I am afraid to be affectionate because my spouse will make me have sexual relations."
At the beginning of the session, Suzie mentioned that we a were perfect couple on paper, so the inventory and home study that would follow were just to ensure we were just as good in real life. The scrutiny makes sense since it is in place to protect the children yet I can't help but feel slightly resentful of the irony present in each step of this adoption process. Mike and I could have given birth to our own children and not had our parental integrity questioned once--even if it should have been.
We will meet Suzie again on January 11th to review the results of the inventory, so keep your fingers crossed. Hopefully, we'll prove to be as good in real life as in our application.
Where we stand in the maze of adoption
There are many steps in the adoption process. Every time I think we are half-way done, I learn something new that pushes us back. The meeting with the social worker was not an exception.
What we have completed:
Adoption orientation
State-mandated adoption classes
FBI Finger printing and approval
Adoption application, part I
Adoption application, part II
First meeting with social worker, including marital inventory
What is next, in chronological order:
1. Complete more paperwork
2. Second meeting with social worker - January 11th
3. Home study consisting of many appointments with the social worker in our home
4. Completing foster care application
5 .Completing home licensing check-make sure everything is up to code
6. Be submitted to the matching system by our social worker
7. Be matched with a child or two
8. Read the child's file
9. Meet/interview all the important people in the child's life currently (foster parents, teachers, etc.)
10. Decide if we think the child would be a good fit for us, if not, repeat steps 7-10
Additionally:
Amy had to request a new birth certificate and social security card
The blogs will largely focus on one, or many, of these steps.
What we have completed:
Adoption orientation
State-mandated adoption classes
FBI Finger printing and approval
Adoption application, part I
Adoption application, part II
First meeting with social worker, including marital inventory
What is next, in chronological order:
1. Complete more paperwork
2. Second meeting with social worker - January 11th
3. Home study consisting of many appointments with the social worker in our home
4. Completing foster care application
5 .Completing home licensing check-make sure everything is up to code
6. Be submitted to the matching system by our social worker
7. Be matched with a child or two
8. Read the child's file
9. Meet/interview all the important people in the child's life currently (foster parents, teachers, etc.)
10. Decide if we think the child would be a good fit for us, if not, repeat steps 7-10
Additionally:
Amy had to request a new birth certificate and social security card
The blogs will largely focus on one, or many, of these steps.
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