Social worker visit number two - complete.
The appointement went well. Our social worker is very nice almost to a point of being motherly. The visit concentrated on the marriage inventory we took. The good news, we are very compatible. Oddly, the test found Mike might have more of a rose colored view of life than me but only by a bit.
Then the social worker interviewed me, which was nerve wracking but not too much. Throughout the meeting she started talking about how some adoptive children are never able to bond with their parents--usually due to the level of abuse they experienced or neglect encountered. That thought scared me, and it still does.
Coming to terms with not physically carrying a child or even taking care of our child in its infancy wasn't easy, but it finally happened. Yet, it feels like by giving up that privlege I'm now running the risk that my child will never truly love me. If that happens, we will deal, but I hope it doesn't. In fact, it scares me. So I push the fear from my mind and move on to the third packet of paperwork we need to complete.
Yep. In addition to FBI checks and everything else we've gone through to be parents now we have to fill out a whole ton of paperwork to be considered foster parents. Again, I completely understand why The State wants to protect these children as much as possible, but there are times when it feels we're being punished again and again for infertility. That feeling comes and goes. In reality I'm just venting and feel certain all the work will be worth it.
I don't want to leave the blog on a negative note so I'll say that in addition to filling out the paperwork, I'm excitedly finding ways to accomodate workouts when a child would be in bed. I've bookmarked the Minneapolis School District's "Finding a School" site. I have also started finding ways to shift some responsibility at work so I can dedicate myself to my family. It's all happening and decidedly so!
2 comments:
Dearest Sister,
Sounds like everything that you are feeling and thinking is part of a normal process and is extremely valid. I'm sure that a lot of people out there are going through similar experiences right now. It must feel like a punishment sometimes though. I have felt that about some of my medical issues in the past, because they are genetic and such. I didn't chose them. Of course mine are nothing like yours, but you get what I mean; I related. I also think that where there is an honest energetic desire to bond with anyone, that energy has more power than we think. I love that you tried to counter your worries and such in that last paragraph...that's the trait of a survivor. You are so strong! I love you and Michael and wish you all the best on this, your journey toward parenthood.
All my love, Autumn
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