Anyway, it means have faith. This week has been a tough week for faith-keeping for me. We got the following email from Rosie's social worker in response to an email I sent her.
From Rosie's Social Worker: "Thanks for the update. Just to let you know, we are at a bit of a stand still on the case with Rosie. We are submitting paperwork for a sibling separation to the state. However, the state doesn’t want us to move forward with any steps until they have approved the separation (I don’t know if we are going to follow this or not). I just wanted to give you an update and know that we have not forgotten about your and Mike!"
Hmm, so what can I control? Obviously not the state, or the inexplicable system that makes it impossible to help these children quickly despite its best intentions. I can control how excited I get--but only a little. I can try to not start imagining our life with these children so quickly. Mike's a little wiser about that.
Last night I remarked that I was just having a pity party for myself. I don't care to ask my social worker about more children right now. I don't want to be excited any more. To quote Simon and Garfunkel, I want to be a rock, I want to be an island because "a rock feels no pain and an island never cries." Really, though, I just want a child. I passed a news stand, and saw an article about some family who have 19 kids and "are excited for more" and nearly threw a small fit of anger right there. I imagined the magazines flying like butterflies through the air as I screamed "I just want ONE!!!"It would have been hard to update my blog from jail though. And, as I write, I realize what good is a pity blog? As an American with a significant amount of Irish/German pride, I hate pity as much as I hate asking for help, which is why I write--to see perspective.
Here's some more pleasant perspective:
I am lucky in so many other ways--in my job, my family, my health.
If we don't get to have kids there are so many other things to look forward to.
Like enjoying our patio on warm, summer nights.
Trips to places around the world.
It'll be a lot easier to plan the 5k for my sister without a child.
I can bestow so much love and affection to my friend's children.
Yee haw!
It is funny how life works out, though. When I was 16, I thought my life right now would be spent living on a farm, with my 3 to 4 little red heads and husband. We'd farm most of the land ourselves, and in our free time we'd pile into our pick-up truck to deliver my baked goods to friends and neighbors. I'd write in my free time. Are you laughing? If you aren't, you probably haven't seen my inner city home and affinity for patent leather heels. Or how taking my dogs on a walk through Theo Wirth Parkway is about all the nature I need most of the time.
I've always been a girl with a 5-year, 10-year, and even 30-year plan. So now I think some of issues stem from the fact that I can't envision what life will be like. I have no control what the next month will even hold. So I will just keep filling it with plans involving friends, family and joys that help me rebuild my faith bit by bit. Things that focus on the positive.
This weekend, a camping trip had to be put on hold because the 90 degree heat would have been too much for our dogs. So I think I'll head to the tattoo parlour. I am going to get my grandma's wedding band pattern tattoed on my upper right shoulder. Kind of like this: http://tattoos-and-art.com/wp-content/gallery/henna-tattoos/3rd_sitting_shoulder_tattoo_041_large.jpg
No comments:
Post a Comment