We regressed to May levels of anger and defiance today.
It all started this morning when I asked Rose not to wear her PJs outside under her snow clothes. I know, I know, not something you'd have to fight a kid on.
I really didn't fight though. When she said "no" and in typical 10-year-old fashion marched into her room to defy me, I was calm and said, "Rose, I want you to wear your normal clothes outside." I reminded her she had said she was going to work on listening.
"I don't care." She retorted.
"OK," I said, still calm. "You seem to need some time in your room to adjust your attitude."
She refused to go to her room. She decided to hound me. I was proud I stayed mostly calm most of the time, but when she berated me with "You're not my mom" "I hate this family" and so on and so forth, I nearly broke down. "I just want you to go to your room." Is all I kept asking--in a tone that hid my sense of defeat at that moment.
Sure, she was just angry. Yet, these words stung more than they had in the past. I can only assume because unlike in the spring, I do feel connected to her. It hurts to know this connection is possibly only on my side and/or she seems to take pride in hurting me emotionally. Even if she is only 10 and wounded.
Mike was getting us bagels during this argument, and when he returned home I was able to better ignore her taunts and attempts at negative attention. So she did retreat to her room, finally. I retreated to mine, and I felt as if a weight was placed on me. I crawled into bed and wept. I couldn't leave the bed until 2:30 when I had to because I'd promised to help my sister who recently had back surgery.
Now I sit, spent and exhausted hoping this strange regression will not last long. When I put Rose to bed tonight she admitted she was scared but couldn't say why. I told her I think it's because she feels herself growing closer to us and she's scared we'll reject her. So she's trying to reject us first.
She blew my guess off. Who knows, maybe that's not what's going on but only what I hope is going on cause I'm really attached to this kid.
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