Under the looking glass

Before I create a few photo album themed posts for Christmas and Rose's birthday, I wanted to take a step back.

This post is about doubt.Self parenting doubt. I imagine all parents doubt whether they're doing the right thing. A few friends have shared stories of the grand parents being overly judgy causing more self doubt. Or maybe not, maybe that's a story I made up to feel better about myself.

Anyway, adoptive parents face an additional stress. Or at least we do. I call this new element of parental guilt/doubt: therapists. Creative, I know.

A few months ago, pre back surgery, I took a lunch to attend a family meeting at Fairview where Rose was then having day treatment. Taking lunch is a bit of a luxury because I'm an admitted workaholic. So leaving my piling amounts of work for extended periods of time is no easy task emotionally or practically.

On top of that, I was barely keeping my back pain at bay. I was not sleeping. I wasn't myself.  So the letter I to the patient relations coordinator after we left tells what transpired. It's below. It should be read knowing I was overly tired, pain ridden, and stressed the day it all occurred.

The event continues to haunt me: even tonight as our therapist told us we needed let Rose pick her ears and flick the ear wax at the table. Kids are dirty and gross she said. We need to let her be gross. I hesitated to say anything the therapist to the contrary for fear she'd start hollering at me like the therapist in the story below. I worried my objection to her comment would cause her to question my parental love. I think bodily fluids are best kept for the bathroom. Does that make me a bad parent?

That logic is freaking insane. It makes me sound paranoid. I have enough of a hard time keeping my own internal nagging at bay. In addition, I think there is a certain amount of parenthood that revolves around nit picking. My mom was driven mad by my obsession with examining each hair on my head for spit ends. My dad was the first one to teach me about eating with my mouth shut. These are important nagging events in my life. I'm glad food doesn't fall out of my mouth while I go blind examining the ends of hairs and pulling the split ones out non stop.

Long story short, I am pretty ready to be out of the prying eyes of medical professionals. I have enough doubt about my mothering ability as it is.

And here it is, the letter I wrote in October- Some Names Changed for Privacy
Hello, My daughter is being seen at the Fairview Adolescent out patient program currently. She is doing very well in the program, and our experience in that regard has been very positive. Knowing that, I hesitate to complain, but the experience we had with a therapist on staff was inappropriate and would make me consider not recommending your fabulous program to other adoptive parents.

My husband and I arrived at the discharge appointment with two representatives from the school district ready to figure out what we were doing next. The main reason Rose was admitted was her inability to socialize with peers, which caused her to fall into a deep depression. When we walked into the appointment, the therapist, ARROGANT MD, looked at my husband and I and expressed concern over Rose saying she was having a hard time with a consequence we have in the house. Specifically, if she's being disrespectful, defiant, rude, she will lose family time. Rose had told the staff this happens a lot and really bothers her.

AMD's tone was not asking for more information about how our family issues this consequence or to verify if what Rose was sharing was accurate. Instead, her tone very much felt as if she was attacking us. My husband and both of the people from the school district felt the same way. When we tried to explain the loss of family time consequence--why it works for us, how it's used, etc., she got more aggressive asking if we were attached to our daughter at all. She then said she felt our reaction to Rose's behaviors was an over reaction and asked if either Mike or I had been abused as children. Both questions were completely inappropriate for the setting and purpose of the meeting.

Admittedly, both myself and my husband were acting out of emotion at this stage. [Translation: Amy yelled]  I would imagine AMD was as well. Yet, I expect more out of a trained psychologist. When I realized I'd let my emotions get the better of me, I apologized, and I tried to turn the meeting around, but AMD appeared to shut down and was unwilling to provide suggestions for parenting or school. When she did apologize, she qualified her apology with "but i'm very protective of our kids."

Of course Rose isn't her kid, Rose is OUR child. Qualifying an apology negates the purpose of an apology. Her inability to successfully facilitate the meeting from that point on demonstrated even less professionalism than I would expect from such a renown facility and creates a lot of concern for me. Long story short, I am still shocked by this "professional's" behavior. If she was concerned about how we parent our daughter, the feedback would have been better received without the school district present. I would have also appreciated her beginning the conversation with an inquiry about how this consequence is enacted versus accusing us of "not knowing anything about reactive attachment disorder."

I would have also expected her to be able to recover and lead the meeting and not end it with another apology qualified by "but I've seen too many of these adoptions fail." If AMD is the person trying to support the adoptive families, I have no doubt the relationships fail. As a result of this encounter, I am very torn when other adoptive parents ask me if they should send their children there. Rose has made huge strides as a result of the intense therapy, so that's a huge win. Yet, having your staff put adoptive parents on the defensive is a huge minus. AMD's behavior should be evaluated and addressed. Secondly, your staff should be trained on how to work with adoptive parents. Parents who work 24/7 to raise these children. Parents who aren't perfect, but who are genuinely invested in their kid's best interests.