Back to normal

Saturday night my mom stayed with Rose overnight, and after just a 15-hour break, all of our patience has been restored to near normal levels. They had advised we take breaks every three weeks. We thought we didn't really need that often of breaks, but now we've got the next one scheduled a month from now.

It made me feel badly to need breaks but it makes me feel worse to lose my temper.

Unlike any other kid I've ever met

Today started out well. In fact, the "downs" lately have begun feeling more like just life--more like what all kids are likely to do to cause their parents headaches.

Then this morning, Rosie and I were chilling out. She watching The Cosby Show while I made a few appointments for her and Mike went to pick Princess up from her vet check-up. She started doing a normal kid thing--messing around with the battery compartment on a remote, clicking it on then off, then on, then off, then pulling the batteries in and out.

So I asked her to stop. She didn't. I gave her a few minutes, asked again, and she didn't, so I told her I'd have to take away the remote if she didn't stop. So she stopped. I went back to making doctor appointments and could hear another click. So I walked into the living room where I saw her holding the battery cover in one hand and the remote in the other. So I took the remotes.  We watched more TV, and after awhile I told Rosie I trusted her to not play or mess around with the remote battery compartments, and I gave the remotes back. I thought the moment was over.

We had a play date with another family who have adopted a child recently scheduled. So about thirty minutes after the remote issue I asked Rosie to go get dressed. No. She said. She walked away and did something else. So I asked again. No. She said. So I told her OK, I'm going to hop in the shower, and when I get out, you need to be dressed.

Even though I took my sweet time in the shower--I shaved my legs, I tweazed (sp?) more grey hairs, I examined my eyebrows for stray hairs, all in hopes she'd be dressed when I emerged. She wasn't. Eventually, I lost my temper as Rose's refusals became more defiant and boldly rude. I told her she had to stay in her room until she apologized to me. I was actually yelling at this point because she kept coming out of her room to tell me "I can leave my room anytime I want." I'm not proud of the yelling, it's bumming me out still, eight hours later. Needless to say I cancelled the play date. That mom completely understood.

After some time, Mike went into Rosie's room to ask what was going on, since he came into the situation in the middle of it. He relayed to me, that she was mad at me for taking the remotes away without listening about why she was messing with them again. I was floored. Since I had given her the remotes back in the end, and since she had acted completely fine toward me until I asked her to get dressed, I assumed she was angry about getting dressed.

Nope. This girl was willing to be sent to her room and lose her gaming privileges for a week because she was so determined to be right about why she should have touched the remote battery compartment after several warnings to leave it.

So I was feeling composed and went into her room. I did talk to her, and she reiterated what Mike told me. I apologized for losing my temper when she informed me I needed to apologize for the remote issue. Everything she said to me was dripping in pre-teen snottiness, so I told her I was done talking with her until she wasn't angry any longer.

Eventually, I asked her if she wanted some lunch. She said she did, so I prepared it and told her she could eat it at the table. She and I sat. I spoke quietly when spoken to, I was pretty sad about the whole situation--my losing my temper and not picking up on the remote thing being such a big deal. She started to hit me with more snottiness so I got up and went to eat in the kitchen without saying a word. She tried to come in and get my attention, but I read a book and didn't acknowledge her. She returned to eating and I could hear the sniffles of the morning turning into a full blown cold.

I left my book and asked her if she needed cold medicine. Are you talking to me or dad, she asked. You, I said. Oh, it's just that I'm not people used to talking to me when they're upset with me. Well, no matter what argument we're having, I still care for and love you. I will still make sure you have medicine and food. Oh, she said, with a little bit of surprise in her voice.

This only made me feel worse but reiterated to me how much she is still learning about what family means. What love is.

After she took her medicine she asked how Sadie died. Sadie was the collie we had before Moxie. I was already feeling emotional, so I told Rosie I was too sad already to talk about my dog, and I started to cry. She came up and gave me a big hug and then apologized for being "so disrespectful and bringing me to this point." Oh sweetie, I said, you didn't make me cry. Then we chatted a little over the rest of lunch.

I told her about how sometimes, it's better to just let go of things with other people but know you're right inside. I also told her that if she's mad about something, like the remotes, it's better to tell me what she's mad about rather than getting into another fight about another issue, like getting dressed. Ok, she said, quite simply. Then she got dressed without issue.

Afterwards, she painted and helped me put together her scrap books. The psychologists have all told us that when one of us is arguing with Rose, the other should stay out of it, which is why Mike did just that, other than to lend a listening ear. He was truly my savior.

Tonight, after we as a family read 30 minutes of The Wizard of Oz, Rosie asked if it was hard to raise a kid. I told her it's much harder not to have a kid, and I thanked her for making me a mom but inside I worry about how my emotions impact her. She truly is the most unique kid I've ever met. Next time, I hope I can keep my cool throughout.

Learning how our parents did it

On Sunday's trip to Duluth I had a splitting migraine. One so bad, I was pretty sure I could throw up. One that prior to Rosie moving in would have forced me to cancel my trip. Yet, somehow I pushed through on the complete and utter desire to not let Rosie or our niece, Abby, down.

Today, Mike's sore throat and illness was bogging him down. He never shows how sick he is, so when I can see it, I know it's bad. Yet he managed to answer question after question about Star Wars for Rosie. I was more worried for him than he was.

Now if only it would diappoint Rosie if I didn't go workout or if I failed to finish a marathon...

Can I have this?

Since we've known Rosie I have been impressed how in stores she never asked the dreaded, "can I have this?"

Until Saturday.

Saturday during a quick trip to Cub, even ice cube trays were tempting to Rosie. Every isle had some junky trinket she wanted and pleaded for, swearing she had the allowance for or would pay me back for.

I used to worry i'd have a tough time telling Rosie no when this happened. She's been through so much and has never been spoiled. I also think she knew as a foster kid, the answer would be no and to some extent she attributed that no to her self worth. As demonstrated by her often saying "because I am worth it" when she found out we spent a few extra cents on chocolate milk over white.

But when she's asking for a bunch of stuff that will be garbage in days, it's easy to say no while all my psycho analysis and soft spots fly out the window.

Plus, spoiling Rose with money doesn't accomplish much. Material possesions won't increase her self worth in the long run. Additionally, not teaching her how to budget her money could have lasting negative consequences as she grows older. Or that's what I tell myself as I went from isle to isle with a 10-year-old who's looking at me like I'm the worst mom, ever.

Love grows where our Rosie goes

Even though Rosie is a little more interested in her DS than Moxie, lately, both Moxie and Eddie choose to sit by Rosie instead of being in the TV room with us.

I think this means, she is truly a part of the family.

And a few pictures of Rosie courtesy of her dad.

The shear look of joy

Well, I am very much a girl who loves my curls and really wanted to try to raise a daughter who felt likewise.

BUT, seeing this look on Rosie's face made me eat my words a little.




Donna, Rosie's new stylist.

Whom Rosie adored. :-)

Be wary of the the leprechauns

Today at breakfast Mike said that he'd better go upstairs and put on green. I said, that's right or he'll be pinched.

Rosie said, "Only Irish poeple get pinched if they don't wear green."

So I replied, "I don't think anyone can tell if someone's Irish."

Rosie replied, "The leprechauns do."

"Right" I said.

Good thing Rosie and I both donned our green sweaters to avoid those pinchy leprechauns. Here we are enjoying our Shamrock Shakes in McDonald's. Getting mint faced, I thought, is probably just as fun as drinking one too many beers, probably.

It's 8 p.m., again

I remember envying parents who stayed home with their kids on weeks I'd made plans every night. I couldn't wait to have a child to share the evenings with, help with homework, and spend the rest of the night until bedtime playing a game or watching a movie.

I never really thought about what happens after that. What happens when it's 8 p.m., the kid is in bed, the laundry is caught up, the dishes are done, the house is probably more tidy than it's been in ages on a weeknight, and the last thing I want to do is watch another movie or tv show but I'm too tired to put much thought into anything.

I think I'll need to invest in a treadmill and buy several more books.

A tear drought

Rosie was telling me about a boy who called her names on the bus. As she told the story it sounded like she was crying without tears, but I didn't say so. Rosie has either learned to read my mind or is very observant cause she said, "Sometimes I cry but I don't have tears because I've cried so much in my life that I'm out of tears."

I have no doubt that she's cried more than her fair share, and I don't mean to mock her sadness. Yet it was pretty hard not to laugh a little. I didn't. I just commiserated.

An admission leads to a fun day

In therapy, Rosie was asked to write down things that make her angry. The first was school. The second was that we were too busy.

As a result, we decided to slow things down a notch.

We spent the morning coloring. Mike and Rose created a maze together--Mike taught her his patented method. These two pictures make my heart happy.

Our only plan for the day was to have the Oles down so the girls could get manicures and the boys could play video games. Here's Des showing Rose to knit. 

At the end of the day, we watched Wipeout and Moxie decided she wanted to share the love seat with Rose and I. That is Moxie's spot. Despite being totally cramped, Rose stayed glued to my side. I'm still coloring...it's fun.

Moxie's quite happy with her newly expanded family, as long as she gets her seat on the love seat.

Lesson Learned: The constant running Mike and I were used to will have to slow down. Seeing Rose this weekend being a more mellow, calm kid with less anxiety was a welcome break we all needed.

Then there are moments that erase the others

Right now, Rosie and Mike are sitting opposite me. He's taught her to create a maze on paper, and they are now working on one together.

But rollercoasters are fun

OK, I'll admit it, I thought we would get Rosie home, I'd bake cookies, there'd be a Sunday breakfast ritual, she'd get lots of hugs, feel surrounded by all the love of our friends and family and voila, in a month's time all of her less attractive behaviors would disappear. I knew the people in training said otherwise, but I was as hopeful and idealistic as a liberal arts college graduate.

Well, here comes the adoption equivalent to my post-college, quarter-life crisis. You know, the point in your mid-twenties where you feel like you should be saving the world per your sophomore year life plan but instead you find yourself working for a huge corporation. The type of corporation you swore you wouldn't set foot in and wearing a suit you promised yourself just five years prior you'd never wear. If they can't accept you in flannels, they shouldn't deserve you. Yet, the reality of bills make it impossible to ditch the corporate job or suit, and when it comes down to it the rigid structure and fast-paced nature of this new identity kind of work for you. The crisis is to either accept the new life you like despite the feeling of being a hypocrite or quit corporate life to pursue your dream to save the world.

So, warning to anyone reading this, the following is not dedicated completely to the ups of this rollercoaster ride. This entry will reveal a bit of what life has been like the last two weeks, which are more down in nature.  I feel leaving the downs out would discredit our story a bit. So if you're more a rose colored glasses kinda reader, feel free to skip this post. For the rest of you, please fasten your seat belt and secure your harness; keep your hands and feet inside the car and stow all lose articles; the ride is about to begin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Wednesday afternoon, we were riding up: Rosie had her first dance performance, and we were totally and utterly proud. After just three sessions, Rosie performed her dance moves better than the other girls who had eight sessions. Rosie left the recital happy, clutching the carnations we gave her as a reward.

Afterward, I grabbed a pretty quick dinner with two girlfriends and headed home for bedtime with Rosie. On the way home I got this text from Mike and the plummet to the bottom began:

"All of this because I wouldn't hand her a pencil one foot away from her because I was helping the dogs and getting the mail."

Yes, Rose tore up paper and threw her notebook, which hit the baby gate that prevents the dogs from going upstairs to torture the cat all because Mike was too busy to get her a pencil a foot away.

Once I got home, I was impressed by Mike's response to the entire ordeal, which also included Rosie telling Mike she was mean to him just because she could be. I nearly called this blog, my husband is Superman. He kept his cool, he tried to engage her and figure out what was making her angry. He didn't yell or scream. Yes, she has consequences as a result of the night.

I stayed completely out of it, which I'm proud of. She is not as rude to me, but her attitude twoard Mike makes me very angry. When I jump in, she feels ganged up on, which escalates the situation.

Thursday Mike was supposed to take Rose to Pine City therapy, and I was pretty psyched for my night alone. The first night alone in the house in at least six weeks. That morning, I got Rose ready for school. Over Malt-o-Meal she tried to bring up Mike and the indicident, and I told her that it made me sad when my family members aren't nice to eachother, but that she needed to talk about it with Mike. As we parted, I reminded her that she would get roses if she made it through the entire day of school.

So we clicked along and weren't really going upward, just approaching another change in altitude. Who would have guessed another dip would happen before an up? Not me. But yesterday at 2:45 p.m. I got back from a meeting to find two voice mails from Rosie's school. As I was trying to access them, my work phone rang, and it was Rosie's school case worker who said, "Did you get the principal's calls?" "Nooo" I said, "Oh well, I"m glad I caught you. This isn't as bad as it sounds."

My heart sank, and I felt a range of emotion from rage to sadness to numbness as Lisa explained that Rose was feeling particularly defiant. Defiant enough to crumple a paper the principal had helped her fill out after Rose refused to fill it out with her caseworker. This act against a principal who doesn't take any crap from anyone resulted in Rosie being suspended from school today.

The word suspended started to look like the downhill portion of a rollercoaster. One you can create using word art in Microsoft Word. I frantically called Mike, who was at that second walking into the building to pick Rosie up and take her to Pine City.

Then the ride leveled off, again. We might have even started up a small incline as her therapy went really well. She talked about the suspension with them and Mike, and she and Mike even managed to resolve some of their differences.

Today, I was going to work from home in the morning while the house assumed suspension mode. The goal was to make the house as boring as possible and follow all normal school day protocals--getting up on time, getting dressed, etc. Per our counselor, we were advised to not punish her beyond that. Oh, but the roses were not given, which did upset Rose. However, I can't reward 2 hours sitting in the principal's office.

So the day was going along pretty well, and I felt myself bracing for an up. As Rosie sat at the table reading, she said, "Is this real?" Is what real, I asked. "Is this real life?" she repeated. Well, yes, Rose, but can you explain what you mean? "This adoption. Is it real? Is this really happening?"

I said it was and that paperwork was under way, "Wow, she said, someone should bite me." Of course, she meant pinch me. The roller coaster cliked up a few more notches.Despite this happeness though, the low I had felt days before got to me, and I found myself getting teary. So I emailed work and said I needed a mental health day.

When Mike got home for the afternoon shift, Rosie's behavior toward him was again less than admirable, and I ended up leaving with the dogs to avoid interfering. I'm not ashamed to admit I spent a bit of the walk crying--better to get it out of my system in private since Rose would internalize it. The crying was healthy for me, and really amounted to a much happier mom tonight. One less worried about the "what ifs" than before.

So suspsension day is over, Rose is back to her more normal self, and I'm not sure where we're heading--up or down. I also think this whole analogy is confusing. Sure there are ups and downs, but I don't remember crying after a rollercoaster ride or staying awake worrying that a passenger on the rollercoaster might get expelled. 

Rosie's First Dance

For now just pictures. More later. How proud are we.



Support, bribes and faking sick

It's been the fastest yet longest month of our life together for obvious reasons. This week, two more reminders of how completely our lives have changed.

Tonight, we're going to our first support group for families who have adopted older kids. Well, our first support group, ever. I'm super excited. First, there will be other adopted kids for Rosie to play with. Second, we've been told these groups are great places to meet families who can provide respite.

Respite is an interesting word. It means a break, obviously. In training they made it seem like you'd get respite every month, and it would be provided by the county. Yet, that hasn't been the case. In addition, Rosie internalizes respite to mean she's too hard to handle so it has to be called babysitting. So it'll be nice to have a play date that will also double as a respite.

We've had lots of friends who have offered to help babysit Rose, and my sister did a very nice job so we could get Valentines dinner. Yet, finding a family with a kid her age would be so wonderful for her self esteem.

The second thing that happened this week was our first call from school for a sick Rosie. She's been less than happy with school so we were both skeptical but since the nurse said her temp was 99.1 decided to go get her. Since Mike was the morning caretaker, I left work early. I felt oddly grown up as I logged off.

Once I got Rosie in the car, though, I knew we'd been conned as the first words out of her mouth were, "if I start to feel better in 10 or so minutes, do I have to go back to school?"  I told her no since it was nearly the end of the day. Then I gave the typical speech about how once we get home, she has to get in her jammies, get on the couch, no DS, and watch a movie. "OK" she said. (Sure enough, once rested on the coach her temp was a cool 97.5.)

I popped in Anne of Green Gables, which she had never seen but LOVED! Then I asked her if she thought she'd be up for lasagna or if she'd need chicken broth. She said she thought she could handle lasagna since it's just noodles, cheese and meat. Mmmmhm, I thought. Then her social worker came and Rosie suddenly felt so much better she was showing off her dress shoes and running around the house with a lot of energy.

Oh child, I wanted to say, I was the master at faking sick. I thought I was, but now I wonder how obvious my deception was. I do know the main rule of faking sick is to stick with your sickness for more than 10 minutes. The second rule, is start the day off sick. This morning, she was also extremely happy until it was time to put a jacket on, at which point she started feeling the same mystery illness that brought her home early yesterday.

I kept these thoughts to myself. I'd rather deal with fake sick kid for the last 10 minutes of the morning than all morning and the night before. Plus, I do think she legitimately feels sick, which I told her on the car ride in. I figured a car ride instead of the bus would make her feel a little better. I also told her that sometimes we just have to go to work and school if we're not contagious.

Oh, and I also told her if she gets through the next three days of school (she has Friday off) I'd give her a big bouquet of roses, just for her, just for her room....am I proud of bribery...not really. But this way it might not be such a battle tomorrow.

Smile

This was Rosie this morning. It was crazy hair day, and for the first time Rosie was excited to go to school. No kidding, the kid who last week tried to fake nauseau and a fever practically skipped to her bus today.
Seeing her smile, and hearing the genuine joy in her voice made my day. I

 couldn't stop smiling, and the feeling I had today kind of reminded me of the feeling I had after I got engaged.
It was a great day.

Another welcome to parenthood story

I have learned that parents only say "welcome to parenthood" for the more chaotic moments.

It usually never follows a sweet story. This is so much so, I have kind of come to dread hearing those words.

Today though is another welcome story. I have to take rosie to pine city for therapy. So I left work early, kinda in a rush, to pick her up on time from school.

As I waited and minutes passed something told me she had forgotten I was going to pick her up. And sure enough, as a school bus passed my parked car, there was Rosie's face staring out the window.

So I took my time on the 10 minute drive to her bus stop since it would take the bus 30. Oh well!

She's lost it...

Not that I ever had it, but this morning confirmed both.

Rosie's alarm blares an ERR ERR ERR noise. Somehow, the girl can ignore the ERR ERR ERR for about nine minutes. Today, as I stood in the bathroom getting ready, the ERRs bore a hole into my head. So much for make-up. I wrapped my robe around me and went into Rosie's room. 

I sat down on Rosie's bed and started bouncing and cheerfully shouting "Turn it off" "Turn it Off" in rhythm with the music. She responded by wrapping a blanket around her head and groaning, "moooommmm."

So I started bouncing even more excitedly as I pulled the socks off her feet and blankets off her back while still sing/chanting  "Turn it off." Finally she rolled over, hit the snooze and said, "now will you leave me alone?"

Yep, I replied, relieved to have the noise retreating from my brain.

Over breakfast, Rosie said, "you are kind of crazy" with a small smile on her face. "Yep," I said, smiling back.

We'll see what she tells her therapists on Thursday.