The preteen paradox

This our life lately, the oddness of worrying about boys one day the toothfairy the next. Not kidding. This is Rose's razor and body wash.

Indigestion?

This week I was prepping our dinner while Rose pulled a chair up to the kitchen counter to eat breakfast. Seeing me pull out an onion, Rose complained they hurt her eyes. I told her she could go eat at the kitchen table.

No, she said, I want to be with you. I miss being around you. Actually, when I'm away from you I get this strange pain in my chest. She pointed at her chest where she felt the discomfort. I don't know what that pain is she mumbled sounding puzzled, perplexed, and she trailed off by the end

Oh, I said, silenced by Rose's revelation. Touched by her genuine confusion over the feeling of loving someone. Saddened she really hadn't felt that before in a healthy way. I admitted to her we had a similar feeling when she went to visit her last foster family's house New Years week. She smiled, still a little baffled by this new physical feeling.

A good sensation, indeed.

A photo in the meantime

In preparation for our April Disney trip, Rose helped me bake up leftover red and green M&Ms into cookies.

Mickey begins!

Into the oven he goes.

Mid-way baked.

Baked and decorated. He should have had a frown though because....

Rose actually made me wait to take the picture while she put chocolate on her lips for this photo. Maybe she should become a photographer, because the photo turned out great.

A year is nearly here

Things I haven't done:
1) Posted the second Christmas posting from Christmas day. Or maybe I haven't because it includes photos of us in our jammies? Hmmmm....
2) Completed the first year photo book I'm putting together to commemorate this first anniversary with Rose. I could be doing that now, but I was too excited to see the Betty White special.

But I don't really care thanks to the past year because I've learned:
1) There aren't enough hours in the day any more, and I value my alone time with my husband more than anything.
2) They will all get done eventually as will the housework and my work for work. I think I had a good omen today. My inbox at work shrunk to just six emails for the first time in two years.

It is seriously getting close to the February 5th "Gotcha" date for our family. Stay tuned, I have a full lessons learned post for the 1-year anniversary.

Carry that weight

This morning everything was hard. I expected it to be. Today was Rose's first day back at school after two weeks off. I didn't expect this much of a challenge though.

I struggled to keep my composure. I lost that battle. I still managed to drop Rose at school with a meal in her tummy, lunch money in her pocket, and a sense of serenity filling her mind. I couldn't recompose myself as quickly, but I pushed through the day trying to do the same with the memories of the morning. I'm becoming better at pretending sometimes.

It really didn't work, and throughout the day this song came to mind. I only know the refrain, but it suited my mood and the doubt filling my mind today. Now I sit unwinding, letting go and forgiving myself.

http://youtu.be/FUUfY6CN8yw

Pride

Today Rose returned from a 4-night stay at her former foster parents. She had an alright time there, but since she got into a small fight with a 17-year-old foster sister, Rose claimed in usually dramatic fashion she "regretted ever going." Those were her words. Of course, she had no choice in going. She had the entire last week off, and we needed a sitter as well as a small break.

Nonetheless, I asked how her visit went despite the fight. She mentioned the 17-year-old wanted to straighten her hair. I grimaced. "Did they put anything in to protect your hair?" I asked, my irritation growing. They mean well, but any time she hangs out with them, especially the teenager, she comes home more aware of her race and more self conscious about her hair.

No, she said, they tried to straighten her hair with a straightener only. Going from her beautiful, tight curls to silky smooth hair with just the scorching heat of what is essentially an iron. Yikes. Not gonna happen without significant damage to the hair we've worked so hard to heal this year. She smiled as she told me she let them know they needed to put stuff in it to protect it and that they had to first blow it out, then use the straightener on it. They tried to argue with her, she said.

This is where the story tears me up...

As they argued, she told them her hair "is special and beautiful and different than so it needs to be blown out first" and even as she retold the story I could see the pride beaming through her eyes. She truly sees her hair as special and beautiful and worth standing up for. So she made them stop straightening her hair. Thank heavens. I can only imagine the breakage that it would have caused. More than anything, though, the display of self esteem makes me feel in awe of this little girl. It's inspiring.

Why let her go there with their, um, ignorance?
She adores going up there, though. In addition, her therapists said keeping her in touch with them was good since goodbyes haven't been positive for her. So we brush our concern aside.

Christmas Joys - Part I

The Christmas story will need to occupy two blog posts to contain all the photos. Was trying to shove them all in one, but Blogger won't even let me upload that many picture. Maybe that's Blogger's way of tactfully telling me more isn't always better sometimes it's is just more.

As I said in previous posts, the  high levels of anxiety Rose had leading up to these days worried me about how successful the holiday would be. I have realized I am very relieved to have this year of firsts pretty much over because Rose isn't the only one whose anxiety amped up with the  new experiences. Mine had, too. 

The pictures below show what a wonderful series of days it truly was once the emotion switch to joy. They also reveal the results of the St. Nicholas visits.

Rose was allowed to open 1 gift before we went to the Schulte Christmas Eve Celebration. She loved the dress Mike had picked out of her. She looked beautiful in it.

December 24th happens to also be Abby, Rose's cousin's, birthday. So each Christmas Eve Day starts with a birthday celebration.

The birthday girl with Aunt Brenda

Afterward, the family moved onto Christmas Eve stuff. 

Posing for photos with Rose and Uncle Brian

Grandma and Mike hanging out, chatting.

Trying to see if they could stack 28 coins on Rose's face to beat the World Record

Listening to puppies beg to be included in all the food and fun.

Of course, opening presents. This year many of the boys got funny tee shirts.

 

The girls got toys.

Rose getting into the swing of present opening.

Soo sooooft, she exclaimed. Little did she know, St. Nicholas has visited our house while she was enjoying the comfort of her new sweatshirt. Before we could see what he'd left for her, we took a few more family pictures.

All the Schulte boys with their Grandma.

A pretty happy family.

When we got home from Al and Brenda's, I tried my best to sound startled to see our stockings missing and even more surprised when Rose pointed under the tree and squealed, St. Nicholas has been here when she saw the presents sitting there.

Admittedly, he was a busy elf this year and left only three gifts with a card. Rose opened the card, looked at Mike, and said, "Nice, it's in your handwriting." He denied it, and I pointed out it didn't look like Dad's writing to me. (Yes, I have begun referring to Mike as Dad when in Rose's presence...but only then.)

I didn't think she bought it. But she played along when she opened her first gift--the smallest--which was a HUGE hit when she realized it was an iPod Nano with TOUCH SCREEN.

Thank goodness St. Nicholas had given her that and the cribbage board. Grandpa Schulte taught her to play cribbage this year, so it's neat to have her continue the tradition.

Yet she wasn't too thrilled with this big gift, which turned out to be a suit case she didn't enjoy.