Blog silence

The lack of posts in the past ten days has signaled tranquility and peace in our household as we truly recovered from the April "orange is the new black" scare. Otherwise known as the days where we all questioned our sanity hourly.

We had ten glorious days to ourselves for the first time in three years to let that baggage go. It's now burned. 

We enjoyed a series of dates and just being together in general. We reveled a little in the freedom of being out late, sleeping in a tad more, and for dorky me, over working a little. (Old habits die hard...)

Best of all, as the time drew to a close I didn't find myself dreading losing the freedom. In fact, I was elated to feel happy Rose was coming home. So much so, my jeep tires squealed with excitement as I pulled into the Y parking lot a little too quickly to retrieve her.

The best news...she had a GREAT time and wants to go back. She spent an hour telling me everything about canoeing, the girls, the counselors, the bugs...and she's usually kinda reserved about seeing too into anything. Lord forbid...

Even better, she was excited to be home and doesn't seem overly grumpy or exhausted. No excessive arguing, just a simply charming, very tan kiddo. And the post camp photos say it better that I can write it.

The big haul

Reuniting with Moxie

Reuniting with Apollo

The big hug

I'll admit, I worry often about my parenting chops. I question whether I have them...especially after the great soup incident of 2014. Never heard of it? That's because I was the blog author who decided to alter reality. Rose might remember it. And she can chuckle as she reads this. 

To summarize, I lost patience with my  literally feverish daughter. I acted in terrible ways. Ways I could envision her biography of me starting with, "my mom was the kind of lady who lost it over sass even when I was feverish." Sigh. 

Then today happens, Rose departs for 10 days back packing. I organized her to meticulous detail. I was honestly excited for the break. Yet, today, standing in that parking lot waiting for her bus, tears kept filing my eyes.

I was genuinely, sincerely, worried about sending her away. As I felt that emotion flood my senses, I gave her a side hug. Unlike normal side hugs, she didn't tense up. Rose genuinely sank into me. We side hugged for a few seconds more than usual as we stared at all the strange faces and the bus.

I teased her the whole time we waited about not getting crushes on the cute counselors. Kept reminding her about handing over her meds and not wasting all her spending money in one shot. I was grateful they let the kids (and parents)  linger until  when the bus was about to depart.

When it was clear she had to board I hugged her, and she hugged me. This time, though, we totally gave into the big and embraced tightly, she sank in, again. That never happens. We usually keep our breasts safe distance apart. This time, though, pubescent awkwardness melted. 

I felt tears again as I pulled away after at least 30 seconds, and I smiled at her, hiding my worry and sadness over seeing her leave for so long.

So there it is...I guess somewhere in me, someplace deep, I have developed a bond. More over, I do have mothering chops, at least a bit, no matter what the 2014 Soup Incident has to say about it.

And here she is, our brave back packer! May she have a glorious time.

Mommy melt down

Since I've aired some of Rose's dirty laundry I feel it only fair to share mine. 

Today, I arrived home to a sick kiddo. My eyes were weary from my early morning workout, my head tired, and my soul impatient. Still, after a practically stress free weekend filled with lots of fun and a date with, Mike, I should have been cheery.

I didn't really realize how impatient I felt until I sat across from Rose who refused to drink chicken broth. I didn't realize my temper was frayed until she further whined about it for what seemed an eternity.

I was just tired and grumpy as I told her to eat. You'd think that motherly, nurturing instinct would kick in as I stared at her feverish face. Yet, nope. When she finally whined about always puking after drinking that soup I lost my cool.

I yanked the bowl away, threw it in the sink, then threw a package of saltines at her and told her to go upstairs. I also swore like a sailor. Like, sailors were blushing if they heard.

I know, I know... I should have taken a break. I should have kept in mind how icky she probably feels. I should have just kept my mouth shut, just this once.

When I sat back at the table after Rose left, guilt eating away at me, the look on Mike's face read exactly what I already knew. I screwed up. The words "terrible mother" flittered in my brain as I demanded Mike yell at me.

Seriously. The poor man puts up with total madness. He refused to add to the insanity and we are in separate corners now as I attempt to cool my jets.

After I calmed down, I poured more soup and brought it to her room. Then I gave her a bit more with her evening Tylenol. Yet, I still couldn't flip into nurturing mode. I wasn't the ideal, caring mom. I was just the person who recognized she needed some solid food.

Then I think back to her and my day Friday when I didn't work, and she and I had quite a nice day. I was caring. I was patient. And I wonder, at what cost do my parenting skills suffer as a result of working full time?

All can be considered excuses though on my part. I will sleep tonight and try to reset myself to being a caring, compassionate person I know I can be.

Physical challenge found

Last fall, I enrolled Rose in Bolder Options. It's a mentoring program where each pair sets a physical goal, like biking in the MS50 or running a few 5ks.

I asked she be paired with a non white mentor if possible, because, well, duh...

So we got our mentor, who within two weeks, gave into Rose's manipulation and allowed the two of them to not do any physical activity, twice.

That's when bossy mom Amy stepped in. Now Rose and I need to run a mile at least three times weekly. She hates it, but she's so great at it. I am secretly jealous of her long stride and elegance.

Here's our first run result. Not too shabby!