This morning started off like most weekends. With lots of "nos" and "I don't want to" when asked to get dressed.
Today, and all week, I've begun utilizing skills learned from 1, 2, 3, Magic a Guide to Parenting. I also had a self realization that has helped me be a better mom. Having a kid with higher needs, who is constantly defiant, and often disrespectful isn't what I had planned on. The smack of reality is causing a bit of grief and loss on my part over the child I had always imagined raising. So once I realized I was taking my grief out on her, I was able to mostly stop that cycle.
For example, today I firmly but not angrily told her she needed to be dressed by the time I got out of the shower so we could get her hair cut. If she wasn't, I said, I would need to cancel.
Needless to say, she wasn't dressed. The plan for today was altered. What was supposed to be a day of pampering for Rosie (hair cut and shopping) turned into a day where I gave Mike a break in the morning and he gave me a break in the afternoon.
I explained to my mom, for as frustrating as her behavior is, I try to remind myself that Rosie is suffering from depression, grief, and loss. So her desire to stay in jammies on a non school day is understandable. The downside is her disrespect, which sometimes feels abusive in nature, combined with Mike and I feeling like we are trapped in our house with our abuser.
We did make progress throughout the day thanks in large part to the skills we're building. I have gotten pretty good at not engaging in arguing, negative comments., etc. What's fascinating about that is how Rosie handles me not getting emotional. It's similar to a toddler. At first, she'll try getting more negative and pushing a button that might have made me angry before.
Today, she tried the "You're not my mom" bit a few times. "Disrespect" I said, firmly, not with anger or emotion, "that's 10 sentences." (We're imposing a consequence of writing sentences for disrespectful behavior.) Then I walked calmly away and finished making her lunch.
Dismayed that we weren't yelling at eachother, she came into the kitchen and said , mommy, look. I turned around and she was poking the insider of her lip out, and it has a drop of blood on it. Clearly, she caused the small injury, but I stayed calm. "Hu," I said, "you better go get some cold water and rinse it out, but it looks OK to me." So she left, then she came back, "Mom, loooook" she whined. "Yes, I see, I think it'll be OK, maybe you should avoid orange juice for a bit though."
"DON"T YOU EVEN CARE???" She yelled as she stormed out. Then, out of no where, she decided to get dressed. So I praised her greatly for getting dressed as she ate lunch. I was hoping she'd realize that the attention she's getting is based on good behavior.
Yet, throughout the day, I was mellow, calm, and composed, and as a result, she too has stayed calm. I told her I loved her a lot.
So with my buttons all powered down, I'm finding motherhood much easier to handle--even if it unexpectedly means spending weekends at home.
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