Insecurity

I must be in a venting kind of mood--three posts in one day.

I remember once growing up my sister pointed to a lady in the grocery story and said to my mom, "she's fat." My sister was barely 2--and probably the cutest little baby I've seen with her curly blonde hair, chubby cheeks, and bright blue eyes. The grown woman heard and said to my sister, "well, you're ugly."

I remember thinking--even then as a 5-year-old--that woman needed to grow up. My sister was just a kid, and a kid shouldn't rattle your self esteem like that. Plus, she made my sister cry. No one's allowed to do that, except me. Plus, she was fat, and my sister was just being honest--not realizing she'd violated a social norm.



Here it is, years later, and karma's found a way to crush my holier-than-though mentality. From time to time, Rose manages to slip in a comment that really does bruise my ego and cause hours of self doubt.

Sunday I became the fat lady. Several of us were gathered in Grandma and Grandpa Schulte's kitchen before the baptism. Rose was commenting on how my sister was obsessed with fashion, and my mom asked what I was obsessed with. Rose said, "herself. I mean, she just throws make-up on like crazy." Temporarily stung by this assessment, I felt my breath catch. I just laughed it off, trying to hide my pain and said, "I'm lucky I get make-up on at all."

Ouch and ouch. Granted the two statements seem to contradict each other. If I'm self obsessed, I'd spend hours putting make-up on.  Yet, I do take some pride in my appearance and don't think I leave the house looking like I put make-up on in the dark or with Homer Simpson's make-up gun applicator. 

At the same time, both comments hit home. Even though I knew they shouldn't. The make-up one a little less so than the self obsessed one. As I often worry I am self obsessed. They always say children are just honest obesrvers of life, so was Rose picking up on something I struggle with and putting it right in front of me?

It reminded me of one time at a work happy hour a coworker said to me "they were the one who did all the work and I was the pretty face behind the computer in meetings." I tried to laugh that one off, too, but they somehow hit on one of my bigger insecurities. In my role, I do feel sometimes disconnected from the end result and question the value I bring. How'd this person know that? They didn't, and they were probably joking, but I still haven't shaken that comment, obviously.

So how do I brush off Rose's comments? The last thing I want to do is harbor resentment toward her for something she said not realizing that it touched on a nerve. Nor do I want to respond and say mean things back. Sometimes I do tell her she has hurt my feelings to make her more aware of the impact words can have on others, but in the end, I think the better thing is to toughen up a bit--choosing my battles.  It's tough though, being all self obsessed and make-up challenged. :-)