Per my usual, it's 5 a.m. and I'm awake, griped by pain. Last week I thought I'd be tough. I would reduce the amount of Advil I was taking to one dose in the morning. Then take my nerve numbing med at night.
I was resolute: I would get off all these meds and grow accustomed to the pain. Turns out my back is just as stubborn and ultimately more determined than me.
Thursday morning, after a day of successfully following my "toughen up" plan, Herny got angry around 1 a.m. And I mean angry. All I could do to console her was wander the house. Even then, I had to stay close to furniture for support when the nerve spasms washed over me.
Operation Toughen Up turned into Mission Holy Shit. At 6 am, when the hubby woke up I told him he'd need to get Rose ready, and then we'd need to go to the ER. I was so over being tough. I needed help.
When we made it to the ER, the doctor called the neuro surgeon immediately after seeing my MRI. I don't want to brag, but turns out I have a pretty big herniated disc. Little Herny is really a baby Huey!
The Neurosurgeon came in and in two seconds of talking to me said he thought the doc jumped the gun. I was talking, sitting and clearly, from his vantage point, not in too much pain.
I immediately started weeping, as I pleaded for his help. i am not here for surgery, i said, i just want more than three hours of sleep a night.
At that moment, his demeanor changed. Although he had been ready to bolt, he took pity on me and completed an exam. Then he prescribed Vicodin and a muscle relaxer.
I think he was amused I had rejected offers of Vicodin before, especially when my only reason was my desire to be tough. He looked sternly at me and said, "that won't work."
Then he shared news about how big Herny is and said I have a 50% shot of needing surgery despite the success of PT. I was instructed to stop being tough: I needed to submit to this injury. He repeated the message to mike (aka hubby) saying I seem like someone who is a tad stubborn.
So submit I have. I take three strong prescriptions nightly, which ware off at 5 am but I do seem to get solid sleep for six hours. I take Advil regularly during the day, despite the worry of ulcers. I am always on something. I left work early to get a nap in yesterday when the pain was low.
The lesson I learned is I can't just plow through this chanting I'm tough and expect a good result. Yet that internal resolve is definitely what has pulled me through the hard times with Rose. So I'm glad it's there.
The next entry will focus a lot more on dear Rose and much less on Herny. For now, my dose of Advil is kicking in, and I am going to conk out.
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