Soundtracks

The emotional storm finally broke yesterday around 3:30 p.m. when Rosie cleaned her room with a little help from Mike. I had gone out to spin and stop by a friend's open house. When I got home, Rosie's mood had lifted into a nice, mellow calm.

On Friday night, I had created a CD for her with several songs I knew she'd enjoy, songs I thought she'd enjoy, and songs that conveyed my feelings for her. I gave that to her today along with a bracelet I'd given her but had to hide yesterday when she threatened to destroy it. This is key, to me. After the hard days, I have to work quickly to rebuild the trust between us.

The cool thing about Rosie is she, like me, listens to song lyrics. Sometimes I'll ponder a song lyric with people, and they give me a crazy look and say they don't listen to the words. Rosie isn't one of those. In fact, I was quite amused to see she had written out lyrics to her favorite songs by pausing her CD player after each few words--taking hours to meticulously document the verses. This amused me because I used to do the same thing until the Internet came along and websites did it for me. Once Rosie's able to use the computer she'll be thrilled.

But I digress, here's the playlist:

Song: F**kin' Perfect 
Artist: Pink
Reason: Rosie loves this song and sings along so passionately with the chorus it makes me ache inside. I want her to know we think she's that perfect even on the hard days. Don't worry, I downloaded the edited version.

Song: You Are My Sunshine
Artist: Gene Autry
Reason: My mom used to sing this to me, and her mom sang it to her. The words always comforted me, and I hope they likewise comfort Rosie.

Song: Need You Now
Artist: Lady Antebellum
Reason: Rosie likes this song, and since we don't ever listen to country, I wanted to let her have a little sample. (Plus, I'll admit after hearing this song I had downloaded it for my own enjoyment. A little later in the list more of my country roots sneak in.)   

Song: Ben
Artist: Michael Jackson
Reason: Rosie loves this song. I think it has a good message about people sticking with her through thick and thin.

Song: Haven't Met You Yet
Artist: Michael Buble
Reason: I listened to this before I met Rosie, and I still listen to it and smile. Even though it's supposed to be a romantic song, I think was really written for someone's child, which is less sexy so they don't promote it as such.

Song: Can't Help Falling In Love
Artist: Elvis
Reason: I want Rosie to know this is how we feel about her. I also want to start exposing her to earlier rock for my own selfish reasons.

Song: Back to December
Artist: Taylor Swift
Reason: Just like the Lady Antebellum song, this song followed Rosie from Pine City. It's part of her life's soundtrack, and now it's part of mine as I really downloaded it for me.       
   
Song: Standing Outside the Fire
Artist: Garth Brooks
Reason: I've always been inspired by this song's message about not letting life scare you. I thought introducing Rosie to the country music I listened to would give us another thing in common.

Song: The Dance
Artist: Garth Brooks
Reason: This is another one of my favorites from high school, and I thought its sweeping melancholy would suit her based her her love of Back to December or Need You Now. Plus, I love the refrain,

"Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'da had to miss the dance." 

Song: Got My Mind Set On You
Artist: George Harrison
Reason: Ok, I know this isn't one of George's best songs, but I already put Here Comes the Sun on a different mixed CD. Plus, this song is peppy, and I'm hoping its title reinforces that no matter how hard things get, our minds are set on her. Although, I hope she ignores this lyric, "it's gonna take money, a whole lot of spending money, it's gonna take plenty of money to do it right, child."

Song: Man In the Mirror
Artist: Michael Jackson
Reason: I think this song is a good reminder to this whole family that we all have continue growing if this is going to work.

"If you wanna make the word a better place, take a look at yourself and make the change."

Life Ain't Always Beautiful
Artist: Gary Allen
Reason: Another sweeping country ballad, and as the title implies the song explores the mystery of how pain in life makes it somehow more beautiful. I think Rosie's too in the moment now and too young to understand that, but I think she'll see it some day.

"Life ain't always beautiful, sometimes it's just plain hard...but the struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time. 

No, life ain't always beautiful...but it's a beautiful ride."

Extraordinary 
Artist: Liz Phair
Reason: The playlist was becoming a little man heavy. I was admittedly grasping at straws here. I'm a bit of a music sexist somehow and the majority of music I like is sung by men. I thought the tune was an upbeat song, but it's all about a woman telling her crush that she's extraordinary if he'd ever get to know her. Not exactly liberating. Oh well.

Dedicated to the One I Love
Artist: The Mamas & The Papas 
Reason: The title of this song says it all, and I think the melody is rather lullaby-like, plus, I've heard other versions, and think The Mamas & The Papas do it the best.

I Just Got Back from Hell
Artist: Gary Allen
Reason:  The title of this song might seem like overkill. It's my attempt to acknowledge her pain. I often let my feelings overshadow the world she came from: the world of neglect and abuse, being taken away from loved ones, moving into 11 homes in 3 years. No matter how much I wanted a daughter, she never asked to be taken from her dad. While we as adults know it was for the best, to her, that must feel like torture no matter how nice Mike and I are or how many toys she gets. This song is powerful, and it's country, and again dances a nice line between sorrow and recovery I hope she picks up on.

"I can't say I'm doing great, but I think I'm getting well. 

Gonna let the world I'm alive and I just got back from Hell."

Firework
Artist: Katy Perry 
Reason: I needed something upbeat to end the CD, and Rosie likes this song. I do, too. It's fun to run or spin to. It also has a good message about not giving up when you feel your life is out of your control.  

"Do you know that there's still a chance for you, there's a spark in you. 

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine."

   

It's Almost Official and Pretty Overwhelming

The adoption day has been set for July 19th, and since then Rosie's challenging behaviors have increased 10-fold.

This is normal, they say. She's doing everything she can to see if we'll still keep her no matter what. I think she's also angry a little at the lack of control she has over her life and is taking that out on us.

The past two nights, and now all of today are testaments to this anxiety, culminating in the removal of almost all her toys from her room. Mike and I were reflecting on how we were so excited to get her things and now removing those things seems to be the only way to get to her on these kids of days. It's a horrible feeling.

Her intelligence and ability to push buttons was really something today. She gave me back all the cards we'd given her in the past few months. Then she tore a picture of the three of us on our first meeting in half. Finally, she took a photo album I'd customized for her, took her name and picture out, and put mine in. Oh, and she got my picture by ripping it out of the book we made just for her--the book that was given to her the day before she met us.

She did all this because I told her her discman didn't belong at the kitchen table. Well, sort of.

I won't use this blog as my confessional, but I will admit when she threw the cards I'd picked out for her at me saying she didn't want them, I lost my temper and I tore the cards up. Bad move, mom. As it resulted in her getting even more upset and tearing up the photos, book, etc.  So her giving me the cards back was due to the discman. The destruction of the book, etc., were prompted by me provoking her.

Of course I realize she's 10, I know she's anxious beyond belief, she hasn't had any control over her life and may not really want to be adopted. In fact, I'm certain she'd much rather be with her birth dad. I admire her strength and courage. Yet, I am human, and keeping my emotions in check is never easy.



I'm chalking this up to another instance of things being the complete opposite of what I expected them to be. It isn't Rosie's fault Mike and I had planned and dreamed of this day while she dreads it. So my goal is to not take that little bit of inner defeat out on her.

She called, she called!

Rosie's friend's mom emailed and asked Rosie to join them at a water park! Yay!!! A second date, so to speak.

Unfortunately, the cold, fall like weather mid-June combined with busy schedules put a damper on scheduling the date.

The offer made me as happy as a call from a guy back in my dating years.

Familiar feelings repackaged

It's been a week since the first play date we had with Rosie and her friend.  The friend hasn't called. I find myself reminded of the mental anguish of waiting for a boy to call after a date.

I've wondered if her friend was really mad we didn't want to to try to find TC Bear in the 6th Inning. (There was an incident where the girls literally ran away to find players that unnerved us too much.) I wonder if there was another thing that might have been frustrating.

I wonder if maybe we should call her, but we did take the initiative to call the first time and set up the first date. We don't want to seem needy or desperate.

I wonder if maybe she called but it somehow didn't show up on either of our call logs and voice mail didn't work.

Lastly, I'm clueless to play date etiquette. Who calls whom? How do you know if you've found a good match?

Your average American Girl

This year, to congratulate Rosie on finishing 4th grade, Rosie got her first American Girl Doll. It was quite an experience. Rosie was running around the store squealing with delight at EVERYTHING in sight. While the store was just too much for me, her joy helped me push down the eye rolling moments.

It is the reaction I would hope to see relative to the cost of the doll. What made the prize even more amazing to me is what it said to Rosie about her self worth. After three years, plus, of Rosie seeing other kids get these dolls, and years of being told she couldn't have one, she finally got one.

In a way, in one little purchase, she was finally worth what her classmates were.

Plus, we got some great photos for once of our daughter with her new baby doll.

Rosie and Elizabeth.

My Aunt Debbie, beside Rosie, was the generous person to purchsae Elizabeth.

All four of us.



Not unique but so funny

In the car today Rosie said, "I knew I was in puberty for awhile because my public hairs were showing."

Silent Treatment

Our family therapist recommended we ignore negative behaviors and only give attention to the positive. We have done that the last three weeks, and tonight, I think we saw a small glimpse of it working.

It's shower night, and it's overdue due to an otherwise busy week. So we told her to hop in so we could have some fun together. No. She said. OK, well, we love you but until you choose to take care of what you need to, we love you but we will ignore you.

She tried a few of her usual ploys. She worried that my slippers didn't look good with my work outfit. Then she tried to get us to talk to her about the papers on the buffet, including some mail. We ignored that, but this time any time she spoke to me I just calmly said, "I love you, and I hope you will take care of yourself." I did add, if you're not showered by 8:15, you can't shower tonight. That's a new trick I learned from reading "Parenting a Hurt Child". Make it seem like their defiance is your choice. That way, no matter what, it seems like you're in control.

Out of the blue she got in her jammies. We praised her, and then we waffled a bit. She was, for the first time, using a positive act to get attention--getting in her pjs. So should we go ahead and give in? We decided to press on with not engaging with her since her task was to shower. So we turned the TV off when she wanted to engage on that. She went to make herself a sandwich. We ignored it, but I calmly told her she needed to eat it at the table.

She did. Then she said, goodnight and went into her room. We went in after her, helped cover her up. She said, "I don't know why you're tucking me in," clearly annoyed. We reinforced that when she's doing what she needs to do, she'll receive positive attention, if she doesn't, she won't get attention. I also stressed that I missed her all day, and how I hope tomorrow night she makes choices so we can spend time together. I hugged and kissed her. She kind of hugged me back, and I think she seemed happy with the consistency in the end.

Plus, we've had a series of later bedtimes than normal, and I think this kid is beat.

However, the decision to press on despite her putting on her pjs was only reinforced by that very fact. The lack of attention is clearly helping her understand positive behavior equals happy parents. I feel oddly empowered and a little less guilty for ignoring her to begin with.

Match Making

Today Rosie and I went to a potluck with other adoptive families.
A man sat across from us who is about to meet his 16-year-old son. He brought Chinese food. I brought mostaciolli (sp?).

We were making small talk when Rosie blurts out, "you two make a good pair."
I felt myself blush, and the man and I exchanged humorous glances when Rosie clarified after 30 awkward seconds, "Yea, I love rice and spaghetti pasta."

"Oh," the man and I said simultaneously. Yet he didn't sit anywhere near me during the support group.

A real bosom friend

"A bosom friend--an intimate friend, you know--a really kindred spirit to whom I can confide my inmost soul. I've dreamed of meeting her all my life." Anne, Anne of Green Gables

This isn't the best picture, but you know Rosie, we have to sneak photos to get any at all.

The girl in the pink is a friend of Rosie's. She's one year older and so patient she can easily overlook some of Rosie's social mis-steps. The girls have a lot in common. They both are adopted, Shavana as an infant by a white mom and Rosie by us.  They both love to sing. They both love being the center of attention--yet achieve it in different ways.

Shavana is the darling of the Minnesota Twins. She's been going to games since she was an infant. She knows the players names better than I do. Not only does she know a lot of the ushers, concession stand workers, and even elevator operators by name, she has a ritual of watching batting practice before each game, meeting up with TC Bear for the 7th Inning, and was given batting practice balls by Torii Hunter more than once. Oh, and she gave Rosie an autographed Hunter ball as a present when we walked in the door.

To top it off, she was invited to break ground at Target Field when she was just a little girl. She has one of these in her room and a picture in the Clubhouse Level of the stadium to prove it.

This little girl has also befriended, honestly befriended, Rosie. I know friendships are fragile at this age, but I have a good feeling about this.

It is working

Tonight at McDonald's where we quickly ate before Taekwondoe, a group of teenagers were having fun and loudly taking about their sex lives.

As we left Rosie commented on how loud theyare, and I commented that they are teenagers, and being loud is kinda normal. To my delight, Rosie said, "they are older than teeneagers mom because they are having sex."

"That's right," I said.

It's all about perspective

Tonight at the dinner table Rosie asked me if she could have the chili mac for breakfast because "Dad wouldn't let me have macaroni and cheese today."

It is true, I do let Rosie eat leftover dinners for breakfast. I did let her have mac and cheese, but I also had her eat strawberries and milk.

So tonight I said, "Well, since Dad's here with you in the mornings, it's up to him."  Aww, she said, why are mom's nicer than moms she quasi whined. "Well, everyone parents differently" I said.

"Yea, but it's true," Rosie said. "When my dad would hit me, I'd cry. But when my mom hit me, it wouldn't hurt."

My heart sunk, and I just said, hmmm uncertain of what else to say. In the kitchen when she showered, Mike said he thought it was so sad, but couldn't help but think (and not say), "that's cause women are weak."

Sweet Life

For fear of jinxing things I've hesitated to post, but the past three days have been nothing short of sweet. First, on Friday, one of the most noted psychologists in the state told me we were doing everything right. Yay!!!

Then, Rosie has been in a great mood. She got dressed both days, she had a great time with her Aunt Autumn yesterday, and today we spent 4 hours soaking up sun at an outdoor waterpark. Therewas very little arguing, bickering or defiance.

Tonight, she brought her money to the grocery store and bought an Oreo cream cake that she wanted to share with us. This is a pretty big gesture from a kid whose allowance is $4 per week. She was beaming with pride when I sliced us all pieces.

It was very cute, and a wonderful way to end the weekend.

Good sign, part two

Tonight, I brought cupcakes home for everyone. I acted happy, and Rosie asked to paint my nails. Bigger news is we will be filing our petition for adoption this weekend, which means we're about a month away from formal adoption.

This is a good sign?

This morning was nothing short of chaos, and I think all of my buttons were pushed at once.


Why?

Oh boy, well, we had to change the morning routine because the one we were using that worked didn't any more. So our family psychologist suggested we try the following:

1) Let Rosie know we love her but she was completely responsible for getting herself ready in the morning.
2) She has to complete the same basic tasks: getting dressed, brushing her teeth, eating breakfast, putting on underarm deodorant and doing her hair she had to when we had the contract.
2a) We wrote out several sheets of paper saying at what time she has to ask for help for these basic tasks. If that time passes, no help.
2b) Inability to complete tasks results in loss of points.
3) She has to be getting her shoes on at 7:35 and out the door at 7:40 to catch her bus.
4) If she's on task and being respectful, she gets attention. If she isn't, she doesn't get attention.

We explained this all to her, and added one, just one rule. She can't operate the microwave or stove.

GULP

So at about 7:25 today, far too late for a warm breakfast, Rosie asked me if I could help her heat up rice. I asked her to refer to the help sheet, and asked her what she thought. "OH, no, i guess not, but I really want it, mom," she pleaded.

"well, tomorrow, we can if you ask for help in time. But for now I'd pick out another cold breakfast. We have Nutella and bagels."

"But MOM, I overslept," she whined.

"Well, honey that's in your control. Tomorrow, try not to." I went back to reading and ignoring her continued pleas and whines.

Then she marched into the kitchen and started to operate the microwave. So I walked in, stopped it, gave the immediate consequence of DS removal and unplugged the microwave. I was moderately calm.

Then I left the kitchen, to read as she mentioned turning on the stove. I ignored it until I heard the click of the ignition trying to light our gas stove top. I ran into the kitchen, and there she was with the Tupperware of rice resting on the burner (which thankfully didn't light).

I rushed over pushed her aside (not roughly) turned the burner off and removed the Tupperware. Then she reached out to reignite the burner, so I had to guide her to her room, and I will admit I was shaken and acting completely out of either instinct or anger.

When she got in her room she yelled at me, and I yelled right back--it was like I was an old school phone with handset with buttons. The kind  of phone they made which was a huge change from the rotary but when you pushed the buttons you could still hear the click, click, click of the rotary working behind it.  In this case, all my buttons were smashed down clicking simultaneously in my brain, drowning out my calm reserve.  (I don't think I really have a calm reserve....)

When I told the story to her social worker, her social worker said this was progress. If so, I'd almost like to go back to status quo.