Our family therapist recommended we ignore negative behaviors and only give attention to the positive. We have done that the last three weeks, and tonight, I think we saw a small glimpse of it working.
It's shower night, and it's overdue due to an otherwise busy week. So we told her to hop in so we could have some fun together. No. She said. OK, well, we love you but until you choose to take care of what you need to, we love you but we will ignore you.
She tried a few of her usual ploys. She worried that my slippers didn't look good with my work outfit. Then she tried to get us to talk to her about the papers on the buffet, including some mail. We ignored that, but this time any time she spoke to me I just calmly said, "I love you, and I hope you will take care of yourself." I did add, if you're not showered by 8:15, you can't shower tonight. That's a new trick I learned from reading "Parenting a Hurt Child". Make it seem like their defiance is your choice. That way, no matter what, it seems like you're in control.
Out of the blue she got in her jammies. We praised her, and then we waffled a bit. She was, for the first time, using a positive act to get attention--getting in her pjs. So should we go ahead and give in? We decided to press on with not engaging with her since her task was to shower. So we turned the TV off when she wanted to engage on that. She went to make herself a sandwich. We ignored it, but I calmly told her she needed to eat it at the table.
She did. Then she said, goodnight and went into her room. We went in after her, helped cover her up. She said, "I don't know why you're tucking me in," clearly annoyed. We reinforced that when she's doing what she needs to do, she'll receive positive attention, if she doesn't, she won't get attention. I also stressed that I missed her all day, and how I hope tomorrow night she makes choices so we can spend time together. I hugged and kissed her. She kind of hugged me back, and I think she seemed happy with the consistency in the end.
Plus, we've had a series of later bedtimes than normal, and I think this kid is beat.
However, the decision to press on despite her putting on her pjs was only reinforced by that very fact. The lack of attention is clearly helping her understand positive behavior equals happy parents. I feel oddly empowered and a little less guilty for ignoring her to begin with.
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